Things are looking up……..

Well, the meds have finally started to kick in properly. I’ve felt the change for the last week or two but getting better everyday. I still have my down times but they last a couple of hours instead of a couple of days.

I think it also helps that I got a job starting next week. Temp position but ongoing. See how things go, but I think it will do me good.

Little Houdini got out again. Going to be spending Sunday fixing that hole properly.¬† Can’t have the poor little thing stuck inside the house for 10 hours every day. Going to look into having a secure doggy door put in so he can come and go as he likes. I’m getting an indoor loo for him. Hopefully he will use it.

Trivia tonight. That will be fun. Not many of us going tonight. That will be different. Hopefully we don’t make ourselves look too stupid LOL

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Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s a bad thing but one of the things that comes with exiting a deep depressive state is a lot of soul searching.

Some of the realisations that come with that soul searching are quite astounding. But in saying that, they also make a lot of sense.

I miss my brother. We used to be really close. Good mates as well as brother and sister. However, that all changed when he got married. He dropped me like a hot rock. Literally. It wasn’t very pleasant for me. And even after a couple of years it still hurts me deeply. I don’t feel welcome in my brothers home. I don’t feel like I can call him just to say hi. We communicate by email these days. He lives 3 suburbs away. I only see them when they want something really. I was living in my new place over 3 months and the only reason they came to visit was coz I told him there were no more legit excuses he could make, so they came over to visit.

The other downside to this is that it has given me an automatic distrust of people now. I realised recently that when friends meet new partners, I assume they are going to ditch me. That I am going to hold no interest for them anymore. Of course, this is not true of my ‘real’ friends but it’s a feeling I can’t kick.

Added to the feeling that I am destined to be alone forever, it’s not much fun being inside my head right now.

It’s hard to watch all your friends pairing up and being happy while you are the only single one left in the group. Not to say I’m not happy for them, coz I am. But when does it get to be my turn to be happy? To have someone to lean on? Someone to love me?

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Words can cut like a knife

Not so long ago I was friends with a woman named Lisa. She seemed to be nice person. We became good friends. Or so I thought. Then suddenly she turned on me. I got a big long list of character flaws from her. As well as a big long list of all the bad things I had done to her.

I went through the lists and clarified a few things for her. A lot of what she put on me what actions she had instigated. I owned a couple of things and made changes to improve that part of me. I even got a couple friends to read the emails she sent and tell me if it was true. I wanted to know. If I was this bad person, I wanted to be able to change for the better. Going on the assurances of some good friends, I understood it was about her, not me and put it behind me. Her loss not mine.

At least I thought that I had put it behind me. But the things she has said have been sitting in the back of my mind undermining my self confidence. I think what she said has been part of my problems of late. A big part. While I know what she said isn’t true for the most part, there is still the little bit of self doubt that eats away at you. It has turned out to be rather crippling in some ways. I have no confidence and I second guess everything I do and say. Did I do the right thing? Did I say the wrong thing? It is really screwing with my head in a big way. There is a constant shadow over my mind. In a big way.

Now the hard part is to work out how to remove the shadow.

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Taking people for granted

It’s amazing how much in life we take for granted. Our sight………. hearing……… health………… family……… friends.

I have recently had cause to bring this issue to the attention of a friend…….

I’ve had it out in the past with him that he takes his freinds and family for granted. He now agrees with me.

He came to this conclusion after his partner of almost 2 years ended their relationship following 5 months of on again, off again argy bargy. You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Really? No shit, Sherlock!!!! And I actually said those words to him. Because of his lack of acuity, things have now turned rather nasty and I am totally and utterly drained. I’ve spent my Easter break being dogged by his problems. He needs someone to talk to and I do my best to be there for my friends. The thing is, he takes it for granted that I am just available to listen to him. On Monday I put my phone on silent and put it in my handbag coz even though I said 3 times I was at a party, he kept calling to talk.

The past few weeks I have been fighting an uphill battle against depression. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. This weekend he has completely drained me. And I mean, completely. I have nothing left. I feel totally empty. I was feeling really low earlier today¬† and I didn’t even have enough……..whatever……..left to cry. That is how much he has drained me.

The thing is though, when it comes time for me to lean on someone, he is always too tired or too busy or too something.

I have found this with a few of my ‘friends’ lately. I have found who my true friends are lately. They are the ones who don’t say ‘just think happy thoughts and get over it’. Depression is a serious disease. Many people don’t realise that.

I just don’t understand why so many people take so much from others and give nothing back?

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What to do, what to do………

What do you do when one of your good friends is in a relationship with someone that nobody like?

I guess she is a good person on some level otherwise my friend wouldn’t be with her. Unfortunately, I am running out of tolerance. I have tolerated her for his sake, as he’s a good friend. What makes it even more difficult is that he constantly complains about her little foibles. I have said to him on more than one occassion, that if she is that bad, why are you with her?

Just lately her joking comments have become quite nasty and niggly. Nothing blatant of course, but subtle digs all the time.

The worst of it is that in our group of friends, everyone likes him but they are starting to avoid him because of her. That’s just sad.

I spent some time with them on Saturday afternoon and her little digs gave me the irrits in a big way. To the point where I left to come home long before I had planned, just to get away from her.

At the risk of ruining our friendship, I am going to have to say something to him I think. Gently of course but if I don’t , I am very shortly going to rip her head off and spit in the hole.

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Stupid………Such An Ugly Word

Got my pooch this week. Lovely little 4 year old German Spitz whom I have called Fritz. Yes, that’s right. Fritz the Spitz LOL. He’s good company, very loving and sweet. I think we are going to be good for each other. He’s not the only one who’s been rescued.

I’ve had a good few days. Not too many overly negative thoughts. Till tonight. It just happens you know? Out of the blue a thought will come into my head like “what’s wrong with me?”, “why does this happen to me?”. Stuff like that. Notice I didn’t say ‘stupid stuff like that’. I realised that by saying that, I’m putting myself down again. While my thoughts may not always be the most rational, they aren’t stupid.

I really don’t like that word – stupid. The dictionary definition of stupid is ‘lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.’ I know I am none of these. The negative thought process is none of these either…….at the very least, it’s definitely not ‘lacking in ordinary quickness’, because these thoughts tend to fly into place surprisingly swiftly.

It’s amazing though, how often that word is bandied about . It is used with little thought by so many poeple and it can have such a detrimental effect on the person it is fired at. I especially hate when people direct this word at children. Say something often enough and people start to believe it. And once you start to believe the negative, it’s a long, hard road to change those thought processes.



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Depression, thy name is torture!!

Learning how to cope with serious depression is a rough road to travel.

It is difficult when you cannot control the direction of your thought processes, and while not suicidal by any means, the negativity is exhausting.

I am the lucky one in my family (sarcasm). I have inherited an ear problem from my dad, who inherited it from his mum. And I have inherited depression from my mum, who inherited it from her mum. Yes, it runs in families.

I am very fortunate to have good, supportive friends. However, part of the process of depression and the negativity, is not wanting to burden my friends with my problems. I always think they must be getting sick of it all by now. After my most recent meltdown – last week – I know this is not true. My true friends really are there if and when I need them.

One of the hardest things to cope with is people who say things along the lines of ‘snap out of it’ or ‘you’ll be ok, just think positive thoughts’. If only it were so easy.

Depression is a mental illness, that is very common and most people manage to hide it well. Why do we do this? Because so many people don’t believe it exists, so many people are fearful of mental illness. Why are they fearful? I think it’s because you can’t see it. It’s not tangible. If someone has a physical illness, you can see it.

I am now working with a counsellor to try to learn how to turn my thoughts from negative to positive. It’s going to be a long journey, there is no magic fix, but I am determined that I am going to beat this. Not the other way around.

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